Updated: Sep 12

i'm finally back here on this plattform and i'm happy to start blogging again from another computer. my old computer was really tired and ready to break anytime soon, so i decided to get a smaller computer which is more suitable for traveling and songwriting. it's really great how quiet this laptop is when i compare it to the old one.

as the structure geek i am, i also downloaded Day One which is an app for journaling and keeping lists and notes. i have another app for journaling but i feel like day one is one straw sharper and i can really enjoy my own private digital space. everything is not meant to be shared online and i really love writing and this will help me write more lyrics and music. i am also not a perfect person. i have flaws and weaknesses like any other person and i feel writing about improvements is a thing that i should do private.

on another note, my music making is continuing and i am happy with the songs i release right now, especially the videos, and i really like the stories behind the lyrics. and how about archery? not so much i'm sad to say. i really like archery and i miss it really much but under these circumstances i don't have too much time to go there. i don't want to take the bus and when i'm suppose to take the bike it rains.. i hope to be there soon though.

take care and have a nice day!

Updated: Sep 12

this blog post will probably be the last one that i write......... on this macbook (haha). you see, my old macbook pro has been around for a really long time and needs to be recycled. i don't know if i'm gonna buy another one but i know that this computer is the only one i use for my website and blog writing, so probably? we will see if i need it in the future. hope you're doing well! you really get the chance to reflect when you're at home and not in a hurry..

one thing i have thought about for a while is this idea of internet fame. social media is, for many, a big part of their daily lifes but i get the feeling that numbers are more important than what you put out, and the goal and essential thing is to get acknowledgement from other people. it's not easy sometimes to avoid to get sucked into these thoughts and standards of social media. i always try to remember some words i read somewhere on the internet: "it's important to remember that the quality of your life is NOT based on how many followers you have. social media is an incredible tool for connecting and making friends, but it does not make or break you. if you have a goal like this on your list, it can lead to seeing the world through social media's filters - the ones that airbrush faces and edit imperfections." i pretty much think it's unavoidable to always think rational about these things. we see things and other peoples life through a constructed perspective. everybody are having a blast and are doing so much fun! but they are just highlighting the best moment, we never get to see all the boring everyday life they in fact have. the couple who always smile in the pictures and show the love to the world, but the are in fact always arguing offline. the positive and bubbly person who always shows their snaps of parties but are in fact unhappy when they go to bed. the perfect, stunning, sexy, thin babe who are in fact photoshopped. i believe life isn't as perfect and eventful as we see in social media.

another beautiful text about fame comes from dodie, a singer songwriter, and she really put my feelings into words: "i am still confused about the definition of fame, but i know that it is certainly nowhere near as black and white as i used to think. the world seems to think fame comes along with perfection, money and happiness, but that isn't true at all. the point is, accordering to my younger self, i life on the other side of the grass now. it should be bright green, and all my problems should be gone, but as i was growing, the thick line between what i thought was fame and not fame kept rising as my life didn't match the expectations i'd had for it all. i started to realise that the step after achieving fame is maintaing relevancy. if you make fame your goal, you will never truly be happy because you will constantly be reaching for something that isn't sustainable."

dodie continues: "i strove for fame because i was desperate for it to make me happy, but in doing so i accidentally found what really made me fulfilled: learning, growing, creating and sharing. i didn't understand for a long time that improving happens first, and then fame might come along with it, rather than fame automatically making people great. people might stop listening and that's okay, because happiness should not come from the amount of people who know you, but it can come from pride in your work. and as it turns out, if you enjoy what you amke, there will most likely be other people who do too." this is something i also think about. i rather focus on creating, growing, sharing and making myself feel moved and happy when i create and listen to my songs. i get so much more value of this and i feel really fulfilled everytime i create or when i am done with a project. i will finish with another great words from elizabeth gilbert: "you can measure your worth by your dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures."

with these words i wish to explain to you that... it's totally okay for me to not get famous. i don't mind that i don't have thousands of followers or don't recognised on the street or get hugs from fans. don't get me wrong, i will always be happy when people get some sort of value from my songs and when they express it to me, but i don't make music because i want to live a famous life. fame is not my goal in life. my goal is to live a creative life, to do and create interesting things. i don't create because i someday hope to earn a living from my music and it's not like my current profession is a second option and one day i'm going to quit this career. i am not that kind of person who stops making music because i couldn't get famous or make a living off my music. my goal is the creative process. i create because i love creating, and i have always been in love with music and the art of songwriting. to compose emotions.

my songs mean a lot to me because i made them, they are pieces of myself, they capture my emotions, feelings, thoughts and experiences. whether they are great or less great songs. my songs deserve to be created, and they can only be created by me. the same goes for you who are reading this, the things you do or make in life can only be created by you. and that is really beautiful and unique thing about this all.


when i was 17 years old i got furious about a discussion i had with my mom’s currently boyfriend. i remember this person playing guitar some days when he visited us and overall i guess he was pretty nice.

one evening we talked about how female vocals should be and sound like. he said that women gotta have a certain singing technique. “you gotta sing with full power, listen to this girl.” he showed a generic commercial power ballad song with a soprano pop female voice. “she’s got a real pipe!” he said.

the discussion got more intense and after hearing him giving smart ass criticism to one of my drummer buddies (because he himself played the drums when he was young) i went upstairs to my room to cool down. how DARE he!!

teenage me got really really upset because music and art is all about expressing emotions and creating something by yourself. you are a composer of emotions and free to sound like however you want. i am very much supporting the idea of personal artistic freedom and that means that there is not just one way of singing. that is what makes music awesome. the diversity. unique voices. authentic voices. you don’t have to sound like everybody else to be good or get accepted. why not being genuine and sing and have a voice you enjoy? even if it is a popular singing technique or not? i pretty much still have this opinion.

i got so upset that i finally got over it after writing a song.. it felt reaally good! and this is that song. ”just walk away” had other lyrics though (the original one had some bad english and an overflow of teenage emotions).

i am happy the song is out! it kind of feels like a warm hug for 17 year old me. “i am still believing what you expressed in this song”, i would say to myself. i am happy for being true to my values.